2020 Reflection

It’s been a long year since we were first told to quarantine ourselves and stay at home to stop the spread of a new global pandemic. I remember hearing about COVID-19 just before St. Patrick’s Day 2020 (where I was foolishly frolicking around Chicago with a group of friends until early into the next morning), but the seriousness of the virus didn’t sink in until the following week while I was curing my hangover working from home and heard the news that all restaurants were closing per state mandate. Large scale events were also being cancelled left and right until I realized my steady freelance projects were slowly falling apart. Before I knew it, my dad was driving into the city to take me back to Iowa because all of my upcoming work projects were on hold, making me officially unemployed. My work has always been an important part of understanding who I am and how I fit into the world. And I let it define me and my worth in many ways. I was the young, ambitious hospitality publicist, who worked with cool chefs and knew which bars just opened. People visiting Chicago would come to me to ask where they should go out to eat, drink and party. As I got better at my job and more trusted by my clients, the better I felt about myself in general. There was a direct correlation between work success and my happiness. In short, I was a publicist before I even knew who Allison was as a human being. So when I lost my job, I felt like I lost my purpose along with it. *Cue the start of my impending quarter-life crisis*

The two months of quarantine I spent in small town Iowa were refreshing, yet suffocating. I loved spending time with my family day in and day out, but they all had their routines—between Zoom University and creating virtual lesson plans, they looked different, but routine nonetheless—whereas I did not. Waking up and having nothing to do all day might sound like a dream life for most people, but for me it was like I was stuck in suburban purgatory. I’ll admit the first couple weeks were nice because in a way, it felt like an unexpected vacation. After being used to working 50+ hour weeks with events on nights and weekends and being available to clients almost 24/7, a little break from it all was nice. But without any distractions, the fear of the unknown crept in, and I started to feel out of control of my own life. In the midst of my identity crisis, my original plan to move to New York City was falling apart, and the constant news cycle showed the country in disarray, so overall the future looked really bleak. Looking back, I was definitely depressed for a while. I would sleep all day because I stayed up at night binging some new show on Netflix, and then I’d start drinking around dinner to cope with my life spinning out of control. And the worst part was that I thought it was a normal response or coping mechanism because I was seeing everyone else around me also talking about day drinking like it was a big self-deprecating joke about dealing with quarantine. Drinking became almost synonymous with quarantine activities. I mean liquor sales literally spiked over 200% in one week at the beginning of quarantine. And although it was nice to know I wasn’t alone in how I was handling my feelings of frustration, stress and depression, it warped my perspective of healthy ways to deal with all of my conflicting emotions.

Thank God for my mom keeping me on a two drink limit and forcing me to be active—seriously, she would make me get dressed and join her on her walks or family bike rides—before I found a positive outlet in cooking. The fresh air was desperately needed and even an activity as mundane as walking the dog allowed my mind to focus on something other than everything that was going wrong in my life and the world in general. But when I started taking over as lead chef of the family household, things started to turn around. Putting my energy into trying out new recipes and cooking foods I’ve never cooked before was just what I needed. I had received Chrissy Teigen’s cookbook Cravings: Hungry for More as a Christmas gift from my sister and was finally putting it to good use. I planned out each dinner for the week, made a list for my mom’s weekly grocery run, and even went to pick up the grocery haul myself on occasion to get out of the house. Somehow having that small semblance of control was able to bring me out of the slump I was in, and suddenly, I had something to look forward to. It probably sounds über depressing when you read it now, but gaining a little bit of a routine did wonders for my mental health. I also stopped watching the never-ending news cycle of gloom and doom to help with my growing anxiety. I wanted to stay informed, but hearing how the government literally had no plan to combat COVID and half of the country still thought it was a hoax invented by the Chinese was beginning to feel hopeless. So I started leaving the room when my parents would turn on the 5 or 10 o'clock local news. Slowly but surely, I started feeling more like myself and began planning and saving for my upcoming (although delayed) move to NYC at the end of the summer. I began applying to jobs like crazy, filling my days with writing cover letter after cover letter only to hear radio silence in return from most companies. I understood it was going to be an uphill battle with the record unemployment rates and competitiveness of the job search market, but I was determined to make it to New York come hell or high water. And I did.

After spending the summer in Chicago, I packed up a U-Haul with all of my belongings, picked up my best friend (and future roommate) in Cincinnati on the way and we drove all the way to our new home in Williamsburg. As we emerged from the Holland Tunnel and drove through the streets of Manhattan, we blasted “Welcome to New York” by Taylor Swift and let reality sink in. And that reality was that even though I was technically still unemployed and moved across the country in the middle of a global pandemic, I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I couldn’t explain it at the time, but a calm energy surrounded me, and I knew I would figure it out eventually. I wasn’t panicking about draining my savings to pay for rent like I normally would have. I just knew things would work themselves out sooner or later. After all, everything truly happens for a reason. Sure enough, not even two weeks later, I signed my first freelance project after months of not working, and that one project turned into two, and then three. Before I knew it, Julia and I were brainstorming names for our company and building a new brand together. 

Six months later and we’re still dealing with the consequences of the pandemic and the continuation of the other awful things that defined 2020 (systemic racism, police brutality, inequality, an intense political divide, the Trumpism cult, the spread of misinformation, Tik Tok dances and so much more). It can be really hard to look back at the last year and try to pick out positives through all of the shit we collectively (and personally) went through. A few things come to mind immediately for me though. First and foremost, TWO new Taylor Swift albums, folklore and evermore, which could have solely “saved” 2020 for me (I mean they didn’t fix racism or anything, so obviously it’s an exaggeration but nonetheless seriously culturally and personally impactful). I listened to folklore nonstop for months after it was released unexpectedly at the end of July—so much that it dominated my Spotify Wrapped for the year—and did the same exact thing when evermore dropped in December while I was home for the holidays. Seriously, my family was OVER it when I was playing the album on repeat nonstop. Whatever, if I found joy in Taylor’s music during a super shitty year, let me have this. On a deeper level though, 2020 actually brought me some blessings in disguise. Losing my job forced me to take my financial situation more seriously, and it resulted in me saving up the most money I’ve had in my bank account in years. I was fortunate to have the support of my parents during the difficult time, but I was still paying rent in Chicago (and eventually New York) each month. I was dead set on getting to NYC, but I had to ensure I could realistically afford it, so I had to put a plan in motion and take control of my spending—which I’m admittedly still working on. It’s a work in progress. Another blessing in disguise? Recognizing and stepping into my own power in my career. I was always a little intimidated by the freelance lifestyle, especially at the prospect of starting my own business, because of the uncertainty. As I’ve mentioned, I HATE feeling out of control. And even though when you work for yourself, you essentially have control of your work schedule and career, it’s not a guaranteed, consistent paycheck each month. Once I shifted my perspective and looked at my new situation as being in control of my life and doing what I want—what I love to do—on my OWN terms, I wasn’t that scared anymore. I was excited for my future; the future I could build for myself. And having no safety net of a “regular” job pushes you to “figure it out” and “make it work.” It’s a strong and thrilling motivation.

I’m not going to dive into the absolute mess that was my “love life” in 2020 because I don’t even want to start unpacking all of that… I’m not sure if I’m ever going to go into detail on that aspect of my life on here to be honest. Maybe I’ll save it all for my novel that has been in process for years now. But I guess that’s another positive takeaway from 2020: life is short (I know, so cliché) so do what you’ve been wanting to before it’s too late. I’ve always dreamed of having a book published and becoming a best-selling author—big dreams, I’m well aware—so as we’re now three months into 2021, I’m working to achieve this goal by the end of the year. Not the officially being published part, but at least managing to finally finish writing my first novel. So stay tuned, because who knows when that will manifest itself to fruition in the near future. Xx